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Three Things you didn't know about St. Louis.

- The worlds youngest Great Grandmother lives here, 18 years old.
- Most Cars in the city run on fish.
- The Schnucks in JeffCo has three payment options. Debit, Credit,Psuedoephedrine Tablets

The guy who helped me move my boxes from the Hall Street Truck to the living room of my new condo weeks ago reappeared out of the polluted St Louis air to demand money from my surprised fiance. I knew it was only a matter of time before the self confessed tormented bi-polar schizophrenic would make his return. He knocked loudly at the front door and my fiance forgetting that we live within walking distance of a halfway house opened the door and was greeted by Lavon Denkins himself, who detailed his tragedy in three or four sentences about how his daughter died and he had to get to Las Vegas and if she could just spare some change. She quickly and politely declined. Fortunately Lavon left his address. Minutes later like a hammerhead shark in search of a can of bumblebee tuna he tried to gain access to the garden area and when my thrice returned(and thrice re installed) home depot quick-set barred him access he circled around like an expert panhandler to the front door. After several loud knocks and no response he left a bag of dirtied shitmist pita bread that was no doubt lifted back in February from a very assuming korean grocer on Olive. Anyhow the threat level at the condo was lifted from desert gray to an sante fe yellow ochre. I put the bear mace on the kitchen counter where formerly it sat in on the top shelf of my closet. In addition I am very seriously considering visiting Uncle Sams Military Surplus to purchase a net that I can hoist up in the trees above my front door and with an internal switch can release on the unsuspecting hagler. Sand bags will be attached the perimiter that will trap the Proslytizer/Right Winger/Meth Addict/Schizophrenic/Etc. in a heap of olive drab ropes, while the assailant flails on the ground I will deliver a couple of swift kicks or pokes from my only golf club. If the net idea fails I will have no choice but to somehow suspend pit bulls in cages above the door that will drop down and maul the intruder. If Lavon returns to demand more money or try and fuck with my quick-set lock from home depot that took me 8 hours to install in the humid St Louis shitmist, I will be forced to chase him down the street with the bear mace and a 40,000 candle foot spotlight. I am officially a "mark" but at least I am aware of the fact. In the meantime if anyone wants to send money to Lavon and keep him off my turf you are more than welcome. I think he prefers cash but our conversation never really got that far. He doesn't pay rent since he lives with his mother.

Lavon Denkins
C/O Alberta Denkins
763 Walton
St Louis, Mo 63108
His Mothers Phone Number is
314.367.3891

This column/entry will be to offer up some advice to the sad city of St Louis.
Here is a list a very preliminary list of ideas to improve the city.
1. Future residential development must be done on existing foundations.
2. Halt spending on subsidizing the expansion of the suburbs.
3. Install Bike lanes along roads where there is room to do so.
4. Continue to expand Metro Link
5. Ban Handguns and assault rifles
6. Anyone who commits a violent crime in St Louis will be deported to help reconstruct Afghanistan or Iraq
7. Help Educate Jefforson County with regards to the intracacies of Planning and Zoning.
8. Take the floating casinos to St Charles and rid the St Louis riverfront of the gambling addicts and geeks who support them.
9. Level the East Riverfront of grain towers and industrial buildings, in its place create a public park.
10. Ban SUV's from the streets of St Louis.
11. Install toll booths at each entry point throughout the metro area to collect a Polluter tax from offending vehicles.
12. Allow Gay Marriage.
13. Redevelop the riverfront.
14. Fine City Property Owners who pollute or who neglect to do anything to their properties.
15. Combine City and County Tax Bases
16. Decriminalize Marijuana in St Louis.
17. Create a 5,000 $ tax break to any family who relocates from the County to the City.
18. Close Forest Park to Car Traffic after 5:30 PM

The second half of the move took place on Sunday when the rain clouds disappeared. Most of my stuff/crap is sitting in my office in cardboard boxes. My girlfriend and I were helped in our move, by a middle aged gentleman wearing a suit with worn sandals who shook like crazy. After lunging headfirst towards the Hall Street Truck with wild enthusiasm, I was concerned that he would head the other direction with my DVD player, but instead of bolting down some alley to the nearest pawn shop, he instead unloaded the entire truck in about 8 minutes. After an uncomfortable thank you very much for helping, he dissappeared.
20 minutes later he returned shaking and asking for $1.50 which I obliged plus $5.00 for moving all my junk.
He will probably be back tommorow and I will have to spray him with bear mace.

The move is underway from the Hotel Bellecourt and it's trappings to the less seedy part of town 2 miles east.
Some hiccups so far......

- The previous owners decided not to leave the gas on, spent 8 hours killing time waiting for the laclede gas guy who was supposed to show. Two irate phone calls later, the first to a grumpy mole woman who wasn't sympathetic to our situation. The Second was a home run to a kind lady at the Laclede Gas Call Center in DeKalb by the name of Barb, the wheels swung into motion and less than an hour later a 1978 Laclede Gas Van was pulling up outside. Hot water, and heat.

- Monsoon Season has hit St Louis which has completely stalled the moving part, now its just packing, cleaning and assembling. Tommorow will be a long hard day.
On the way between Hotel Bellecourt and CWE I put the Hall Street Truck in 4 wheel Drive High just for kicks and fortunately I did, since just in front of the Rugby Fields along Highway 40 was about 18 inches of Standing water that i hit at 50 miles an hour/ 80km/hr

- Bought a Computer Desk from Organized Living that took all day to assemble, it was made in Poland. Good thing I have a Polish woman to help me figure out the Russian Instruction Manual.
While we were loading it into the Camry in front of Organized Living, the oldest woman in Missouri, Lucille "Miss 1904 Worlds Fair" Wantovia ran into the stop sign next to the Camry which slowed her 2003 Altima down enough to avoid taking out the front of Organized Living and 3 aisles of California closet displays.

Till Tommorow

Trying to ride your bike in St Louis after work to de stress often produces the exact opposite reaction. Say you are just off of work from a tough day at the the Sports Authority and you are tired of re organizing the Size 13 Air Jordans for the 8th time. By the time 5 o'clock rolls around you can do whatever your heart pleases, maybe you would like to check out the ceramic tile at the nieghbouring Home Depot or take 2 hours of your pay and supersize a Big Mac and large fries. After a couple of minutes of deliberation on your way out of the crowded parking lot that you decide to get some exercise. By 5:30 you are at home and survey the situation your Mountain /Cross /Road bike is all ready to go, you fill up your water bottles and get everything in order. Don't forget your cell phone and make sure to put it in a little plastic baggie so it doesn't malfunction because you sweat like a gorilla, you might need it in an emergency. Since there are not too many good choices for a quiet ride, heading west along Clayton, Conway or Ladue will result in a couple choice encounters and after a long day selling sneakers you feel it would be best to avoid those who wouldn't mind sacrificing their Ford Aerostar's front quarterpanel in order to "teach you a lesson..Faggot!" Right now you just need a couple of laps in Forest Park, it's a beautiful day and the meandering bike path around the park should be free of pedestrians since they recently constructed a path exclusively for the pedestrians and runners. Once inside the park you realize that while it is a Gem, you are reminded of your whereabouts by a Buick Regal with no Brakes comes barreling through a stop sign. The rolling testament to American Engineering is piloted by a crack addict looking for a male prostitute. He doesn't even realize he is in a car let alone in a park with pedestrians, joggers, Pregnant women, cyclists and jogging computer programmers from Wash U. Maybe its better to get on the path you decide. Maybe coming to the park wasn't such a good idea. Once on the path you have to come to a grinding halt to let a plethora of cars pass each time the path intersects with the road that everyone uses to shave 5 minutes from their commute. The backed up traffic on Highway 40 helps create a low cloud of smog and particles to clog your lungs. On the path near the softball fields hordes of crass soft ball people meander on the path creating a pedestrian jam, forcing you to stop once again. The ride becomes more of a hassle than its worth. After an hour or so of stop and go and stop and go riding you decide to head back to your apartment. On your own street a giant 4 X 4 with mulleted passengers hurls a slurpee and an old pornographic magazine at your front wheel which you swerve to avoid, in the process slamming into an illegally parked car and thus ending your ride. Tommorow you may try a different route, maybe ride up through North St Louis along the bike path, not too many joggers up that way. Make sure to stay away from the boat docks and watch out for city hoosiers driving thier city cars on the bike path, too lazy to walk the mile and a half to catch their polluted Catfish tha they will cook for dinner. Life in St Louis as a Cyclist.